Is it me?
It's hard to tell sometimes who I am beneath this disease. I have feelings and thoughts as I always did-but somehow they seem more dark, deeper, and when things are out of control-they seem really out of control. I have a tendency to clump things all together when things go wrong. So I think of the problem, where the problem stems from, how it is exacerbated, and finally how having diabetes makes it all worse. I wish many times I could erase that one final issue from the issues of being a mother , wife, daughter, worker. I can't quite figure out how it all works together-it only seems like this is something that worsens the bad parts. And when there are good parts-it doesn't make them better-it just lingers in the corner waiting to burst a bubble. And I am impatient about making my problems go away. I have done this even when I was younger. My father reminded me recently that I would rush to them at the end of their day-just as they walked in the door with all of my problems-and my concerns and I wanted them to help me right then. As a parent now-I can see how this can be tough. There are moments in the day when Wes, my youngest, wants to be picked "up right now" and he will cry if I don't. Maybe this is some foreshadowing (mental note). I know I still do this today with my issues-I am impatient in wanting everything to get better. Diabetes is not for the impatient. Insulin takes 2 hours to really work and peak in my body. When I have a low-I want everything-and need at least 15 grams of something-to eat-right now.
I took a personality test-"Are You a Happy Person?" I always considered myself to be one-but then the question was posed-do you take something bad that has happened to you and turn it into an opportunity-or a way to make your life better? I am not at this point in my coping with my disease yet. That is for sure. So in essence-does Diabetes make me not a happy person anymore-not as optimistic as I once was? I cannot answer this question-at this point.
(And I still don't know if I should capitalize Diabetes.)
Is there something good that can come out of this, and how will I find my true self within the disease? The cliche-of not wanting to be defined by your problems is major here. Maybe within this there is one part of me that can mature and become better at being patient. I have to be-there is no cure right now, there is no way I can change the right now of my Diabetes. But on the other side of impatience is understanding the importance of the right now. Diabetes has definitely made me much more eager to experience all that life has to offer-right now. I don't like feeling like I have missed an opportunity. I hate thinking I may have regrets.
I can pick Wesley up right now. And I can do many things right now-as a healthy, mother of two beautiful boys. And I can sit and enjoy the right now-not in the way that something is creeping up around the corner, but in the way that right now can last-and more right nows will come in good time.
I took a personality test-"Are You a Happy Person?" I always considered myself to be one-but then the question was posed-do you take something bad that has happened to you and turn it into an opportunity-or a way to make your life better? I am not at this point in my coping with my disease yet. That is for sure. So in essence-does Diabetes make me not a happy person anymore-not as optimistic as I once was? I cannot answer this question-at this point.
(And I still don't know if I should capitalize Diabetes.)
Is there something good that can come out of this, and how will I find my true self within the disease? The cliche-of not wanting to be defined by your problems is major here. Maybe within this there is one part of me that can mature and become better at being patient. I have to be-there is no cure right now, there is no way I can change the right now of my Diabetes. But on the other side of impatience is understanding the importance of the right now. Diabetes has definitely made me much more eager to experience all that life has to offer-right now. I don't like feeling like I have missed an opportunity. I hate thinking I may have regrets.
I can pick Wesley up right now. And I can do many things right now-as a healthy, mother of two beautiful boys. And I can sit and enjoy the right now-not in the way that something is creeping up around the corner, but in the way that right now can last-and more right nows will come in good time.
Comments
I think some of your thoughts about yourself are thoughts people have even without diabetes. You're at that wonderful time in your life when you are asking the questions of "who am I", and that's normal. Diabetes is not who you are, it's part of your life, but you don't have to be defined by it, that's up to you. I don't pretend to understand all that you have to deal with when dealing with this disease, my intention is not to minimize anything.
My cousin Barb has delt with diabetes her whole life. She does not have the disease but her mother had it, her son has had it since he was 4years old,and now her only brother has it. I know that many times she has felt very much out of control. One of the things she has done is gotten involved with a local organization that works to do research to beat the disease. Maybe there is something you can get involved in, something that helps kids deal with the disease. You know how to do that, you could pass on your wisdom. The part about helping others is that within that you learn about yourself!! And you are taking control over the disease at least on some level.
You are a wonderful and upbeat person who has alot to offer the world.